My Tunnel
Friday, September 16, 2005
The End Is Here.... Leaving It All Behind..... The End of My Past.... The Start of My New Beginning.... The Closure of an Unfinished Chapter.... The Escapism that I seek...
Thanx for evrything.... to Whom it May Concern....
Moving to a New Home where Nobody Knew....
Tibalah waktu untuk ku melepaskan diari hatiku ini dan mencari ketenangan yang hakiki....
Slowly Leaving It All Behind.............................
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 11:42 AM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
At this point of time, I am totally feeling shity and sucky!!
I donno why human beings (including me) can be so such hypocrites... and liars!!
I donno why Bluey just ignored my call and everythg abt me... I donno if I really did something that grave a mistake that she should do this to me...
Read her yushann blog and yeah... finally I can see that truth in her words.. for a very long time...
And to tell me she didn't love him...when in fact she did and will still do lah! Haha.. I know it does not concern me and me too was a hypocrite and liar too.. at sopme point of time.. we, human beings all do... but yah.. it's not somthing that i am feeling angry or sad reading her confession to her Bear, but yah... feel a bit betrayed by her own words though... Haha.. donno what I am crapping all about!
And to think she yelled " Bloody Hell" to me! What's tht for?! Betrayed by her own words and vows...and oath to cleanse herself from having an sense of hatred and tht kind of thingy...
I donno why she needs to ignore me... and do this to me..for all the concern and care I have given her as a fren..
Just like what u have said... I also have enuff of ur empty and vows to change urself and cleanse urself from any form of hatred... and to think I thought u really have changed and mean whatever u said... Demi allah, I never hate u or have any grudges against u.. U are the master of ur own misery.... jgn salahkan orang lain!
Whatever it is, ur always in my doa.. and I do prayed that ur wound will be healed...
Chipsmore.. I donno what's happening to u... all those silence and all those indifference... Please don worry, I am not expecting or hoping any for of feelings from u... I still don understand why u still "ignored" me.. is it wrong to still be friends?! I have always hope and prayed that u will be with ur loved ones.. as long as ur happy, I am also happy for u .. But ur silence is so deafening... it is becoming from bad to worse... U have changed... a lot! Perhaps, I should have changed too... coz without me realising... the indifference and coldness that u inflict onto me... made me changed so much that I care no hoots of any kind of feelings to anyone... For now, I guess, the only reason I am thriving and living for in this competitive and hypocrite world is because of Allah, and my family...
A lot of things have happened to me... changes do take place... if allah swt sees that as a form of escapism for me, I will accept it with great redha and relief.. insyaallah...
All i hope I don have to hurt any other parties for these changes...
Daisy... silences too?! How hv u been? I do hope that u're in great health with ur loved ones.. I hope u'll be happy with ur current boyfriend.. I prayed for the best of u... Hope ur attachment is going on fine for u..
To all.. do take care...
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 2:03 PM
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Definition
tire (LOSE ENERGY)
verb [I or T]
to begin to feel as if you have no energy and want to rest or go to sleep, or to make someone feel this way:
tired
adjective
in need of rest or sleep:
Hahaha.. this is exactly how i feel rite now, peeps! Haha..Well, oh well... let me see, it's been more than a month since I last post an entry here.. and a "special and ardent fan" of mine.. hahahah.. keeps asking me, "Hey.. whn are u going to update ur blog lah... ur blog is so boring.. and yabada-yabada-yabada.."!! Hehehe.. but well, oh well... I kept telling her, well, yah.. I will, I will.. and here I am.. updating this blog after more than a month giving it a miss! ;) So here u are, Bluey.... (which is also the "graphic artist" of this blog") hehehe... well, have to gv her the credits mah.. for making this blog enticing to me to pen down my craps! Haha
Well, oh well.. today was the first day of the super "lamest" week.. for me. the School Experience Week... what crap is tht?! Haha.. basically, it is just to gv u a taste of what school environment is all about... don't u find it lame?! All i did today was to talk to some CTs and yakety-yakety yak.. with them.. and sit in at the end of the classes doing some silly things like dwiddling my pen, and scribbling ard... and at the same time listening to the teachers.. yawns... where's my sleep?! Haha.. It was such a hot day and I was looking high and low for a cold drink in the primary school.. and to my disbelief.. the school canteen vendors do not sell cold drinks!! What!! And I have to go for second best which is like Milo drink.. and just as when u were relishing the temptation of drinking a cold drink of Ice Millo on a super hot day... good riddance! All they sold to u was a packet of milo drink.. straight from the box!
But still.. those kids are a joy to watch..especially the Primary 1 and 2 kids... but ermm.. Primary 5 and 6 kids.. especially the gals.. ermm.. I wld definitely find it hard to teach those "mentels" gals... haha.. awkward.. if u get what i mean.. haha..
Sigh.. 1 down, 3 days to go... and yup.. hope there'll be a totally "interesting" day tomo...
Ciao..peeps!
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 2:31 PM
Friday, May 27, 2005
Have you ever feel like trying to find out some truth but when the truth came unfolding towards u, somehow, u felt like u had never wanted to know the truth in the first place? Sometimes too..we do believe that ignorance is indeed a bliss.. and when things happen, we would always wanted to know the "Why" such as "why this happen, why it turns out to be this way, why would i feel this way, why ..why.. and more why!!"
Sometimes too, our inquisitiveness in finding out the truth lead to our hamartia, which is our downfall in, Shakespearean language...
Try imagining this scenario too.. You just have a piece of a Chipsmore cookie which u hold it in ur hand for a long time.. You cherished it too much and it is too dear for u to even think of consuming it.. even the bits of crust that was left in ur hand was too dear for u to drop it.. and then suddenly.. someone snatched you cookie from you hand without u realising it.. and there goes ur Chipsmore cookie! But somehow.. as much as u wanted to cherish that cookie, u finally found out that that cookie was not meant for u in the first place...it was just an ornamental piece in ur hand..a holding place before the rightful owner comes and get it from u...
A lot of things had happened recently, not to me but to the my close people around me.. The fact that I am typing this in the middle of the night despite my tiredness speaks volume of my thoughts right now...
Just came back an hour ago from my training.. had bruised my right foot this time...i was kinda frustrated with my sparring performance just now..the momentum wasn't there for me this time now... i donno why.. perhaps, during my spar, i was overly concerned with my dislocated right shoulder and this alone disrupt my concentration in the spar...well, like Bluey was saying, I'm an accident prone human machine.. haha.. well, injuries and accidents are always synonymous to me.. but i don't cry and fret over them, i just stood up and fight and fight.. surrender is never the word in my life dictionary...at least in the battlefield.
Just for the record, I have dislocated my shoulder 3 times in the space of 6 months.. and already with a permanent deformed left pinky, i am left counting how many more lives should i be having! Hehehe... Somehow, recently, I have found a new leash of fire when I spar.. even though it is negatively imposed to my dear spar team mates.. 2 of them have broken ligamanets in the foot and are still recuperating... I am terribly silently sorry of what i did to them.. but nah.. tht's sparring for u... haha.. lame excuse.. ;)
Sometimes, I just felt like indulging myself in a form of escapism in another country, in forgetting all my problems and troubles here... and Bluey did told me once that it was just nt me running away from my troubles.. but somehow, I do know that it is only when one gets a hard knock in the head that he realises what he has been doing and al the wrong things he had done..
Since the day Chipsmore told me that she and him were an item and she was so elated with her guy's pledge of love, I was at first distraught..again... haha! She did told me that she wasn't giving me hopes...but somehow, her actions speak louder than words.. I just felt "cheated" of my own feelings by her.. It's not that I hate her or whatsoever, she is still my dear fren.. but yah.. it will be different this time.. It's definitely true that fate plays a big part in any relationship.. and as human, we could only pray and hope.. but yah.. how many more times will i get hurt for loving someone so dearly, only to know that fate was playing a cruel joke on me..?! Haha.. tapi insyaallah.. after this "catastrophic experience", I have finally view life differently, and what matters to me now are my studies, career and family...nothing else matter... I just cannot believe in a relationship anymore... after all tht had happened... I don't want to be hurt anymore.. I want to be free from my own feelings...
Yup.. tht's what I really want right now.. to be a happy-g0-luky kind of a guy who smiles all the time.., at least tht was what my dear "sis" from my silat team, Renee, told me. She asked," Zal.. why are u always so moody and glum..? Can u please smile..? U know.. u are one guy that will keep on smiling no matter what happen..I just want to bring back the old cheerful Zal tht i know..!" Hehehe, when I heard what she told me.. yah... I realised why am i not being me..? Is the setback that happened recently too much for me to handle..? Even though it is a real setback, I believed that life still should goes on and there are soo many people around you who cares for u..
I soon realised that there is no point holding on to sumthg that was not meant for urs in the first place..even though memories did linger in the mind, after all those are just memories.. and one should move ahead and not turn back to look at the sadness that will dampen one's own progress in life, right?!
I do prayed sincerely that Chipsmore wil be happy with her found love who will care and lover her whole-heartedly... and insyaallah.. I will be praying for her everlasting happiness with him... In the name of allah, Chipsmore, there are no grudges that I have withhold right now...and you are still my dear fren.. and even though if i went away from you one day, the fact that ur my dear fren will never alter things around.. there is nothing that i should forgive you for, my fren.. I have also no regrets knowing u..coz i first know u as a fren, without any strings attached.. seriously, i am beginning to accept the truth dengan redha..insyaallah.. I believe that ur boyfriend and u are an item, like what u have said.. and that he will be a better guy and deserved your love better than me..
However, i do hope that you will still remember me as ur fren...even though you are attached.. insyaallah, no worry, i will prayed that both ur parents and family will be able to accept him and insyaallah too, may Allah swt opened up his heart to learn Islam, so as to smoothen ur relationship with him.. :)
My dear fren, Bluey, told me about the dream that she had recently.. and at the first place, it makes her distraught...how i empathised with her...i do feel for her worries.. However, Bluey.. please do not think too much abt tht okay, just take things as they are.. :) If it is meant for it to come true.. insyaallah.. I believed that Allah swt knows what's best for both u and tht guy.. I read ur blog.. saw the goats!! Hahaha.. reminds me of my trip to the Hay's Farm... the goat milk sucks!! hehehe.. u should have tried the original white one... then I will salute u! Hehehe.. hmm.. missed ur Sup Kambing?! Hehehe.. well, best ke? Beach Road has a gd one too.. :) hehehe..
How's my "daughter", Insyirah doing along? I kinda missed her... If i have a daughter, I wanna my daughter to be someone like her... hehehe, can?! ;)
U know something, I read ur blog and I do felt what u feel... to make matters worst, I read ur Bear's blog... and I do feel for him too... I know exactly how he feels... coincidentally, ur Bear and I were in the same boat at one point of time.. I really feel for him.. and I can feel his deepest love for you... And i feel sucky now after I read ur Bear's blog.. He is going thru a bad patch of setback right now... I know that...His heart is bleeding profusely... he needs to know the real truth... just like me, it is only after I knew the whole truth..I may be able to take things in my stride slowly... So, I do hope that you will be able to spend some time with him, and explaining the whole situation.. Please, no matter what, do not be concerned too much about the dream, k... just take things as they are.. and let Fate decides everythg..even though u have found out the answer.. I believe that hanya Allah swt holds the key to everythg and only Allah has the key to change things around and changed the Fate and our destiny..
I just wanna u to know that I do cherished you as my fren... and no matter what happen between us, I have nv regret knowing u.. I do hope that we will look forward in this frenship and not turn back at those painful days that we used to have, ok..! promise..?! :) hehehe
Miss Daisy, hehehe.. u must be enjoying urself at the chalet, right now... I do hope u will feel much better today than yesterday... I do prayed that all ur worries and problems will go away... I am glad and bersyukur that ur glad to have me as ur fren.. if u need any help, I'm contactable, k... in the meantime.. forget all ur troubles.. and enjoy urself.. u deserve all the break after ur hard word all this while.. :)
I am so sleepy now.. with the aches in the body and a bruised foot.. haha.. I shall take my leave for now.. Till then.... :)
As'kum..
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 12:30 AM
Monday, May 09, 2005
Nothing much had happened these days... still in the midst of my long term holidays... been slacking at home.. except from my regular Tues and Thurs evenings trainings.. competition's around the corner though...Hope I'll pull through, insyaallah.
Went to PERGAS with my mum...I decided to enrol in the Certificate of Islamic Studies, which starts every Saturdays, starting this July.. The thought of it as a 5 year course challenges me... but the truth is, I'm not going to be fazed on pressurized myself with all those exams and tests that the course has to offer. I just want to learn more about Islam as a Muslim.. I have thought of enroling in it since 4 years ago...but never actually being able to commit myself to that at that point of time. Only recently, when I know of an old and close fren who enrolled in that, that it has opened my heart to take up this course..
Have u ever felt that we are the masters of our own downfall and we have no one else to be blamed except ourselves for the turmoil, sadness and tragedy that befall us? We are the angels of irony... we can never stop running away from the truth and our own feelings.. no matter how hard we try to. Why must we say one thing and meant the other? The memoirs of the past and the tragedy that befalls on us in the past seems to be a shadow to us in the midst of continuing the path that we are taking... If only life is as simple as a stored SMS, retrieve back when we want to read it and put them away when we don want to! But sadly to say, it is not...
I am the Angel of Irony...
Chispmore called all of a sudden, while I was taking a nap... was still in the dazed. I was awfully shocked to hear her...despite the fact that I do want to hear her..I know that it was an impossibility knowing that her hp was spoilt. So.. yeeah..was shocked though! But yeah.. had a 10 mins conversation.. and yup, Chipsmore, I'm looking forward for this weekend.. I have been waiting for this weekend for too long, hoping to hear all your true feelings and words from your own lips..hopefully. everythg will come out of light, insyaallah.. All I do want u to know is that I have never blamed you for anythg, my dear fren... In fact, I'm very sorry if my words and actions lately have truly hurt u.. the truth is, it hurts me more ti know that ur hurt, if u ever will be..
Bluey, there are so much things that I wana said.. but somehow, u just made me feel guilty for the things and moments that u went thru... Sesungguhnya, I have never dictated the things that are going to happen.. all these are suratan takdir... Those memories from the past will still shadowed the future... and no matter how I tried to explain things, I know things will never stay the same as before.. Whatever it is, I do hope that the shadows from the past won't affect this frenship... and yup, i cherished ur frenship.
Daisy, u have been bogged down with all your tight schedules, work and projects lately... nevertheless, I do hope that u won't be so stressed up lest ur migraine attack wil come again.. Do learn to let go some of ur stress... Ur having a test tomo... I wish u all the best and will pray for ur success... Hehe.. whenever I listened to the songs "I'm so Lonely" at the radio, it will put a smile at my face and I will giggled to myself, when I remembered the way u "delivered" that song... Hehehe.., well whatever it is, just hang on tight, k! I believe you'll pull thru these tests.. insyaallah..
Till then... the Angel of Irony will take his leave... as'kum.
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 11:35 PM
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Di keheningan malam ini, tika sang hujan menitiskan titisan airmata dari kaki langit, sewaktu sang cengkerik bersembunyi di balik rumpun, di saat kesyahduan malam meringsing kekosongan alam dan sewaktu sang angin bersepoi mengikut arah tuju awan yg meyelindungi segala bintang bintang yg dulu berselerakkan di nun tinggi di sana, tibalah sesuatu azab dan roh yang hilang pada tika suatu masa, cuba mencari jalan yang dulu ia tinggalkan dan meneruskan perjalanannya...
Sudah lama roh telah meninggalkan kesan-kesannya dan titik perjalanannya disini... ia cuba berlari dari segala kebenaran yang sungguh memilukan.. berlari tanpa arah tujuan agar dilupakan segala yang telah berlaku sewaktu kehilangannya...
Akhirnya, kembali juga roh ku kembali.. bersatu dengan jasadku, cuba memberiku kekuatan demi menangkisi segala, kelukaan, kepahitan, kepiluan yang telah serasi dan lali di dalam diriku ini... terbukalah sesuatu lembaran baru buatku menulis cebisan ini, agar dapat memberiku kesempatan untuk menoleh kebelakang di kemudian hari, agar dijadikan iktibar demi meniti hari hari yg akan datang...
Tujuan jasad ini menulis cebisan ini bukanlah demi menghentak dan mengguris insan insan yg lain jatuh ke bumi... diriku ini hanyalah mampu menulis agar diri ini dapat merenung sejenak apa yang telah berlaku ketika roh ku hilang dari jasadku...
Kepada Chipsmore:
Sepeninggalan ku di akhir cebisan yang lalu... ku seakan akan dibayangi kekhuatiran akan kehilangan insan yang ku kasihi... di tika itu, ingatanku selalu padamu walaupun ku tahu dirimu sudah lama berubah.. Perubahanmu begitu ketara sekali... tiada lagi kata-kata mu.. tidad lagi panggilan mu...namun pada saat itu, ku cuba meyakinkan diri bahawa segalanya akan diketahui sesuatu masa andainya allah swt memberikanku kesempatan mengetahui bukan dari mulut orang lain.. tapi dari bibirmu sendiri...
Akhirnya, dapat ku mengetahui segala yg tersirat dan tertulis di hatimu yg paling dalam.. kejujuarn yg ku dambakan dari suatu hari ke hari yang lain akhirnya telah ku kecapi..
Memang pilu hati ini apabila mendapat tahu kebenaran dari bibirmu...bahawasanya, ada insan yang bertakhta di hatimu selama ini... dan amat sukar bagi dirimu melupai akan dirinya...
Seakan, terngiang ngian kuping ku ini cuba membayangkan kata kata yg kamu tuliskan itu...menggigil tubuh ini melihat kejujuran yang selama ini ku nantikan...
Sesungguhnya, diriku ini tidak pernah membencimu dan menyalahkanmu di atas apa yang terjadi.. kau berhak menerima yang terbaik.. dan mungkin juga yang terbaik bukanlah datangnya dari sang gagak yg kerdil ini...
Jodoh pertemuan di tangan allah swt... dan ku tidak pernah menyesali akan pertemuan ku yang pertama kali denganmu... Mungkin, apa yg ku kesalkan dan terkilan, ialah, dirimu tidak berlaku adail padaku kerana tidak memberitahu isis hatimu yang sebenar pada hamba yang pacar dan hina ini...
Malamku ditemani tangisan tangisan sepi di kamarku ini...fikiran ku malap.. ku cuba mencari jawapan tapi tidak bertemu akan yg ku carikan...Setiap kali aku mengenangkan peristiwa lalu, akan gugurnya titisan dari kelopaku ini dengan tidak disengajakan...
Aku tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi pada keesokkan harinya, teman... Namun yang pasti, diriku kini sudah terkilan dan takut akan kelemahan diri ini sendiri, seakan akan ku menjadi mangsa pada emosiku sendiri...
Walau apa pun terjadi, dirimu adalah sahabatku dunia dan akhirat... namun yang pasti, aku bukanlah seperti dahulu.. kelukaan ini telah mengajarku erti percintaan...dan kini.. tiada lain yang ku dambakan... hanyalah ketenangan yg hakiki buat diri ini dan keluarga yang dicintai...
Kepada "Daisy"
Pertemuan kita dan titiknya persahabatan ini bermula kerana hakikatnya kita terluka...tiada pernah ku sangkakan bahawa ada insan yg senasib dengan diriku... Ku amat bersyukur kerana allah swt telah memberikanklu semangat untuk ku meluahkan segala kepedihan hatiku ini kepadamu dengan tidak disengajakan... Kepiluan malamku sering diserikan dengan kelucuanmu yang bersahaja sahaja... seakan akan, terubat sedikit luka ku ini apabila dapat berkongsi pendapat denganmu... Terima kasih di atas kata kata perangsang dan sokongan yaang telah dikau curahkan walaupun pada hakikatnya, dirimu dibayangi luka luka mu yang silam sendiri..
Diri ini amat tersentuh dan menghargai persahabatan yang dikau hulurkan...Ku doakan yang terbaik buat dirimu...semoga segala luka mu akan terubat di kemudian hari.. insyaallah...
Kepada Bluey,
Hadirmu bagaikan bayang bayang... seringkali dikau muncul tanpa ku duga, teman...dan seringkali juga dirimu menghilang tanpa ku sedari akan kesilapanku ini... Yang pasti, ku amat meghargai akan persahabatan yg dijalinkan selama ini... Ku mengerti akan kedaifan ku yang lau dan disebabkan itu.. persahabatan kita ini sering dibayangi kisah kisah yg lalu... ku mengerti dirimu telah terluka dek permainan suratan takdir.. namun usahlah aku yang dipersalahkan kerana suratan takdir.. sesungguhnya, apa yang berlaku adalah di luar kemampuanku...
Namun yang pasti, ku amat menghargai persahabatan yg kau hulurkan... dan sesnugguhnya tidak mahu akan kehilangan seseorang sahabat sepertimu...
Pelbagai ujian telah kau lalui... dan pelbagai dugaan yg telah kau tempuhi.. dirimu masih tegah di sini...ku bersyukur ke hadrat illahi bahawa persahabatan ini masih berpanjangan, insyaallah..
Sebelum ku akhiri cebisan ku ini... ingin sekali ku memohon maaf seandainya ada silap kata kata ku yg mungkin mengguriskan perasaan mana mana pihak.. sesungguhnya, apa yg ku luahkan adalah dari dasar hatiku sendiri...
Semoga kita berjumpa lagi....
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 10:34 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Finally, all the minor tests and roadblocks have been overcomed in the recent months...
The journeyman is now preparing for the big ones this 25th and 26th of this month..soon after that, he'll be able to have some rest after a long term of tests after tests and academic ordeal...
I am just staring at the monitor screen in front of me, blankly.. thinklng of the next words or sentences that I'll be writing.. It has been some times since i last wrote my last entry..
Body and Mind are extremely tired right now... but the eyes would nt want to close yet..and I'm chatting with "Daisy-Dill" rite now.. i hope her "teacher" will be all rite, insyaallah..
Received a call from Chipsmore.. one of those rare cals that she made...but nonetheless, really appreciates and treasures that call after all..apparently, she's not using her hp coz of some unforseen "mishaps" that occurs to it..
Been distraught these few days due to mum's health condition...hope that she'll be fine and hope she'll get wekk soon.. insyaallah..
Another thg is that. I'm feeling lonely, "abandoned", dull and empty recently...it's just tht my work and assignments have been mugging me down recently..
MInd's occupied witha lot of thg... what's in store for me in the future..? Wallahuallam.. only Allah knows.
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 12:00 AM
