My Tunnel
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Been a tiring week for me... I'm exhausted..mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted...
But, insyaallah.. still trying to move on...
Sharks.. these assignments, projects, deadlines, and tests... arghhh... gettig the better of me, boy! Hahaha.. test... speaking of it, reminds me of tht studpid Biology test! 50 MCQ for a 30% weightage of the module.. and another 30% MCQ tests coming up! What the hell are they thinking...?! Hahha.. I sucks big time in Biology, u know.. those plants, life sciences, those jargons.. I can never master tht... had a hard time memorising those "Greek" names and terminology! Haha... if it is Bluey, I believed she'll pass with flying colours...
Hmm.. speaking of Bluey, have nt heard from her for a long time.. SMSed her, but still giving me the "ignore list"! It's like the whole world is ignoring me at this point of my life, boy! When one is down to his core, tht's where the whole world tries to ignore u... hmm... even my parents and mum, seems to be distant from me nowadays...! :( I donno what's wrong.. does she has a problem or is it just me...?! :( I am scared tht the "change" in me had a spillover effect on her... I hope I had not neglect her tht much... yup, those days when I'm in depression mode, I tend to keep things to myself..and coop in my room, and kind of uninterested in many things...
I hope I cld have the chance to rectify things and makes things go back to normal..., insyaallah..
The next two weeks to three weeks are going tobe hell and chaotic for me... with all those deadlines and presentations.. and sharks.. i have nt been reading a lot... Arghh.. must catch up before I am lagging... the war cry is out!!!! Arggghhhhh..hahahhaa, gila! Like real! Yup. no matter what... these desire to achieve and be the best have never fade out.. no matter how depressed I am...
Silat IVP is coming... and will try to be there again... it's ass kicking time.. time to vent all my frustrations, emotional wounds and depressions away!! Hahahaa.. pain is a beauty when one experience the pain... It takes someone who is in pain to be immune to the pain he isgoing to get... Pain can only be cured by pain... hahahha...
Hmm.... I do hope that my prayers are answered.. I am no longer searching or begging for love.. all I ask is a frenship to stay... Hmm.. Bluey, no matter what differences that u have with me, I wish to apologize... I just hope that we'll be frens again..
Chipsmore... I donno why, but I sense that our frenship is drifting apart... why? :(
Don worry, i won't "haunt" u again... with the pleads... or anythg of tht sort... even though those memories are still with me.. and this feeling has nt changed a bit... I have try to come to terms with the change..don worry...
Well... i prayed that all my prayers are answered... insyaallah...
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 11:46 PM
Monday, February 21, 2005
It's been a while since I last type my last entry...
Loss for words for now....
I just wanna share with all of u who knew the song, "Berhenti Berharap" from Sheila on 7.. It means... To stop being hopeful... Currently, this song is so synonymous to my current state of life right now.. Yup tht's it for now...
Aku tak percaya lagi, akan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini, tersudut menunggu mati..
Aku tak percaya lagi, akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi, sudut gelap hati ini...
Aku berhenti berharap dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat, tak ada cintaku dapat
Mengapa ada derita, bila bahagia tercipta
Mengapa ada Sang Hitam bila Putih Menyenangkan...
Aku pulang...tanpa dendam...
Ku terima kekalahan ku.
Aku pulang, tanpa dendam...
Kusalutkan kemenangan mu
Kau ajarkan aku bahagia..kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia..kau tunjukkan aku derita..
Kau berikan aku bahagia, kau berikan aku derita...
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 5:56 PM
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
U told me that I have changed a lot and it seems that you no longer know the person that you used to know in me... and you no longer know who I am anymore.., Chipsmore?! :'''(
I have never changed... never had I changed... Who is the one tht had changed? Is it me..or is it u, my pal? :''''(
I have never hate u for anythg that have done... neither do i blame u for the state I am in... :'''( Why did u have to say tht...? :''(
Do u know that it hurts a lot..hearing those words that came from ur mouth...? :''''(
Even if i have changed... it is because I wanna give u the time and space that u need..and I never want to burden u anymore with my feelings... :''''(
And even if I have changed, it is because, I'm still trying to recover from my shock and pain...and I need time to heal my deep wound... It certainly takes time, Chipsmore.... :''''(
But I swear that my feelings towards u have never changed... :"""(
But by saying all those words, u have prove ur point tht u have nt known me... coz indeed, u have nt known me and believe my feelings for u... :"'''(
It hurts......................... :"'(
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 11:36 PM
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Why do the seconds seems like years...? When one is experiencing the lowest point in his life...other people might emphatised or sympathised with u...and on the other hand...other will be waiting by the side, kicking u when ur only down, and rubbing salt to wound... right, Bluey?
When one has found a new Persian carpet, and old rug will never be of use anymore...and thus, will be thrown by the side?! Is it true, Bluey? Maybe it might be true in ur case... but not everyone shares the same thoughts as you... Life is so unpredictable, and so can u...! At one point of time, ur there listening.. and at some other time, ur gloating with Alicia Key song's entitled "Karma", as in--what goes around comes around...! Nvm lah... if one is already "dead", u don have to use a machine gun or a bazooka to shoot him down, coz ur just wasting ur bullets.. as he's already "dead"!! :) So, the more pain I'm being inflicted, the more I'll come back for more... hehehe.. coz I don't feel the pain as I'm already "dead"!! Heheheheheehehe....
The worst thing is that, I happened to receive Bluey's bullets even before I did anythg wrong... the only thing that I did was to "argue" my opinions of V-day with her... ! And I'm not a monkey chasing sourgrapes!!!
Sigh.... nah, nothing I said will come of to good use to u now, Bluey... u won't be listening to me.. neither do u want our paths to cross each other again... it's kinda sad to think of it that way.. coz I have never forsaken this frenship, even when ur attached.. Frens will still be frens... Well, I guess tht is my wishful hope
I download a song by Michael Bolton - "How Am I supposed to Live without u".. Haha.. i donno why...the melody seems nice and when I checked up the lyrics... I cried... ahhaaha, yup, as in cry while I was doing the assignment.. Check out the chorus;
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I have been loving you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
And how am I supposed to carry on
When all that I have been livin' for is gone
I'm too proud for crying,
didn't come here to break down
It is just a dream of mine is coming to an end
And how can I blame you when I built my world around
The hope that one day we had be so much more than friends
I don't wanna know the price I am gonna pay for dreaming,
oh.. Even now it's more than I can take
Well.. Chipsmore..if only u'll love to listen to this song... try downloading tht song one day.. and u'll know why I cried! :)
Gtg now..goodbye Night... Goodbye Stars.. Goodbyw Moon.. If only I cld say, "Good bye, Misery..." Hehehe.. well, I guess.. insanity is the best cure to misery... ;)
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 11:56 PM
Monday, February 14, 2005
Came to school at ard 3.30pm to submit my assignment...unable to attend the morning lectures coz feeling so sick... and sucky... I donno why.. bad influenza bug in the air... or perhaps it's just me who's a weakling... ahhaaha...right, Bluey?
Wasn't in the right state of mind to do anythg rite now... still another assignment's due on Wednesday..half-way done... will not be coming to school tomo...will be cooping up in my room completing this assignment...Seems like I'm really dragging myself to complete it..
Unable to think much rite now... Sigh... everythg is affected in my life... Perhaps, I'm at my lowest point in my life rite now...and just like "Anonymous Lady" said.. there's more to come?!! Hmm... who is she?
I am just not in my right mind... till the point that I have to take "time out" from my beloved silat training... sigh... the IVP Competition is coming up in June in NP.. I hope Supergirl will understand my situation...She's such a "sis"... told me to confide in her.. but I just can't! Eventually, she allowed me to sort my personal problem out before it's affecting my training...I'm glad she understands..
Bluey... I hope u'll get well pretty soon... I'll prayed that the bad will get his deserts and the good will be rewarded...saw ur gift by ur teddy... chocolates... u love tht don't u?! :)
V-day... today... getting sick and it was pretty nauseating to see those flowers and mushy couples... not tht I am jealous of them... but... are they sure that their loved ones appreciate what they have done?! Are they very sure that their loved ones really feel the same way as they do?
Chipsmore... I may be gone temporarily.. and be silenced... but believed me.. I still remember u...coz ur very special... I never blamed u for anythg... perhaps, I'm just being misled by the blindness of my love that I failed to see the difference between true love and frenship... I'm praying for ur best of health and happiness for u and ur family... I may be"gone".. but I do still remember u coz ur in my heart and I prayed that this feelings will not fade away.. and may Allah swt show us the right direction that we shld take.. :""" ) Whatever happens between us, ur still my fren.. and i will cherished every single memories that we had for the rest of my life...
It's not ur love that I am begging off... All i asked was a ray of hope... a hope i could work on and a hope that I could live on.. :''')
Am so sickly..... Gonna turn in now..ZZZzzzzzzz
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 10:39 PM
Dear Chipsmore....
U told me not to give up my hope and try my very best...coz only fate will decide...and believe me, I tried my very best... even at this point of the time in my life....but the saddest thing is that.. it has only been me who tried... coz u have never given my that encouragement thru ur actions... I am not asking or begging for ur love...all that i asked was ur encouragement... and the will for me to try moving on...
I donno when will my tears dried up.... I donno when will I stop myself from being a mad freak, crying alone at night...clinging on a thread and hoping hopelessly for ur old self to be back again... :"""(
My assignment is due on Wednesday.. and here I am crying and not being able to focus anythg...any shit on my work!! Dear Allah, give me that extra strength for me to move on.... I am needing u at this point.. I am at my lowest point in my life... I am not a slave to love.... But I donno have that stragth to move on... Give me that extra faith to believe in myself...
Chipsmore... only u can bring me back to life....till then, I'll be far away from u.... call me a coward...but I'll try to be far away... running as hard as I could from my misery.... and live on my own world of sadness, gloominess and despair... the only thing in life that I am clinging on to my life is my family... and Allah swt..
Chipsmore... u need space... and i will give u my word... only if u care..u'll be bringing my life back to me...till then... i just wanna know.. I, have never changed.... neither myself nor my deepest emotions and feelings....
Till then.... take care.... if u do not care... just ignore all these.... But if you care... help me pick up my shattered dreams and broken heart.. and bring me back to my old life....
It's not ur love that I am begging from...believe me... all i asked was a hope of life from u :'''(
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 12:18 AM
Sunday, February 13, 2005
You touched my life
With the softness in the night
My wish was your command
Until you ran out of love
I tell myself I am free
Got the chance of living just for me
No need to hurry home
Now that you're gone
Knife
Cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I am so deeply wounded
Knife
Cuts like a knife
You cut away the heart of my life
When I pretend
Wear a smile to fool my dearest friends
I wonder if they know
It is just a show
I am on a stage
Day and night I go through my charades
But how can I disguise
What is in my eyes
Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh.
I have tried and tried
Blocking out the pain I feel inside
The pain of wanting you
Wanting you
Knife
Cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I am so deeply wounded
You cut away the heart
Of my life
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 1:06 AM
After a long time... after all these tears... I finally got to know and learn sumthg in life... "one can never love to order"... :)
It is definitely difficult to be as per normal as one could be...loving someone deeply, only to realise that the person may never have tht same feeling for u.. :") Can i blame fate for that?
Well, it is easier to blame fate for everythg that may nt happen in ur way... but one do have t work hard to achieve his or her goal... :) But... I am working hard all my life... only to receive the truth that hurts a lot... a lot more painful that a knife that cuts deep into my heart... :)
What shall i do..? I donno.. i seriously don't... :"""")
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 12:24 AM
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Who can ever understand me? Do u really think I wanna fight and argue with u, Bluey? Sigh... After all these years, u can really think I'm the coldest person who loves to engage in heart-wrenching activity? Sigh... And do u think I really love the idea of playing in this stupid "shooting games"? After that horrendous 3 months of silence... I was glad and bersyukur that I could be looking forward to a whole new start of friendship with u and leave all those unhappiness and disputes that had happened between us before... That is why I confided in u...
But all of a sudden, u changed again! :'"(
Why?
I do not want to argue with u... neither do I have hoped that ur relationship will fall apart... Is it hard for u to try accepting my flaws...? And to accept me as your friend? :''(
I do not want this friendship to end....definitely.
I am glad that ur exams are over... I do hope u'll pass with flying colours...
Do take care.. I'll keep in touch with u one of these days... I do hope u'll not ignore me, Bluey...
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 10:46 AM
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Well, oh well... the influenza bug is getting the better of everyone... here and there and everywhere... up to the point of time where it's getting the better of both the mind and soul! Hahaha.. am i speaking Greek?!
Dia.. oh dia.... hahahah..! Well, read THE comment... the BIG One... THE Sucker Punch...that she Bubbly.. oops.. Bluey gave! Hehehe.. she never change, don't she?! A case of confused personality.. a confused gal next door.. searching for the Love of a Lifetime... ! Hehehe.. and yup, when everything's not going to be in her way... she'll find ways and means to get back to u! Opps.. i did it again!! Hehehe.. Talking about yesterday... hmm.. how i wish she never brought the things up! Yup... as much as I like her.. as much as I did so much for her... to the extremes... there is still not much love lost between us! I could never ever loved her in tht special way... ! well, she may well beg to differ and try ways to counteract this.. but still, in the name of Allah, everything that i did for her is as sincere as possible.. in the name of a frenship! Am i too blame?
Things never change... and for the umpteen times.. it looks as if, I'm the one who seems trying to create discord between her and "Chef" aka Teddy! Hehhehe... sigh... What's life all about, man! There's more to LIFE than LOVE.. such as frenship! Oh no... time's running out... I have to get myself a girlfriend!! Hahaha... :P what kind of mentality is that?! That sucks big time!
Well, seriously, I have no personal problem or issue with Bluey! Why must she keeps having a go at me? Sigh.. and sincerely, I'm getting sad for saying all those remarks.. rite now..! Sharks! Sigh... why must she keep provoking me?! She's pissed...and so am i! Anyway... no matter how much i am gd and sincere towards her in my frenship, shewill still not satisfied! What goes ard comes around...still remember tht words, man!
Fraff and I won in our first inaugural NTU graffiti competition!! Hehhee.. cool! 77th street membership card and 50 bucks each! hahaha..
Miss Chipsmore a lot...
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 9:42 PM
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Have u ever felt that the whole world has turn against you? Have you ever felt that you have just been awoken by the most disturbing nightmare that may have haunt you? It feels like you were given a BIG tight slap, and thus, you're awoken by ur sleep!
What the heck! There's a lot of weird freaks out there, mind you.. doing things you have never expected them to do! Hypocrites and liars are just part and parcel of life... one just have to move on in life.
What better way than to have someone you have so much respected, being so hypocritical in a friendship?! Selfish is not the word... Confused is THE word! Talking about feelings, feelings and more feelings just irk me sometimes! It is because of feelings that one can be so cruel and hypocrites and pretends nothing have happened! What the heck! Pretending that no one will ever heard of her "screamed"... and understand her "sorrows"... but now?! What's a fiendship to you, BlueyRose?! You are such a hypocrite to your own feelings! At one point of time you have the whole world of "Chef" to yourself... and another time, you can be so sad.. it's like you've been deprived of a true love! Please... try to understand yourself! And due to your ficklemindedness when it comes to feelings, you failed to understand the value of your friendship with me!
I feel so lost and empty... how i wish there's an angel who can save me from my misery right now.... :"(
To love is a depressing thingy... but one will surely bed to differ if he is to be loved too! So, what the heck do i want then....?!! Arghhhhhh!!
Please give me the strength to move on....
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 5:17 PM
