My Tunnel
Friday, May 27, 2005
Have you ever feel like trying to find out some truth but when the truth came unfolding towards u, somehow, u felt like u had never wanted to know the truth in the first place? Sometimes too..we do believe that ignorance is indeed a bliss.. and when things happen, we would always wanted to know the "Why" such as "why this happen, why it turns out to be this way, why would i feel this way, why ..why.. and more why!!"
Sometimes too, our inquisitiveness in finding out the truth lead to our hamartia, which is our downfall in, Shakespearean language...
Try imagining this scenario too.. You just have a piece of a Chipsmore cookie which u hold it in ur hand for a long time.. You cherished it too much and it is too dear for u to even think of consuming it.. even the bits of crust that was left in ur hand was too dear for u to drop it.. and then suddenly.. someone snatched you cookie from you hand without u realising it.. and there goes ur Chipsmore cookie! But somehow.. as much as u wanted to cherish that cookie, u finally found out that that cookie was not meant for u in the first place...it was just an ornamental piece in ur hand..a holding place before the rightful owner comes and get it from u...
A lot of things had happened recently, not to me but to the my close people around me.. The fact that I am typing this in the middle of the night despite my tiredness speaks volume of my thoughts right now...
Just came back an hour ago from my training.. had bruised my right foot this time...i was kinda frustrated with my sparring performance just now..the momentum wasn't there for me this time now... i donno why.. perhaps, during my spar, i was overly concerned with my dislocated right shoulder and this alone disrupt my concentration in the spar...well, like Bluey was saying, I'm an accident prone human machine.. haha.. well, injuries and accidents are always synonymous to me.. but i don't cry and fret over them, i just stood up and fight and fight.. surrender is never the word in my life dictionary...at least in the battlefield.
Just for the record, I have dislocated my shoulder 3 times in the space of 6 months.. and already with a permanent deformed left pinky, i am left counting how many more lives should i be having! Hehehe... Somehow, recently, I have found a new leash of fire when I spar.. even though it is negatively imposed to my dear spar team mates.. 2 of them have broken ligamanets in the foot and are still recuperating... I am terribly silently sorry of what i did to them.. but nah.. tht's sparring for u... haha.. lame excuse.. ;)
Sometimes, I just felt like indulging myself in a form of escapism in another country, in forgetting all my problems and troubles here... and Bluey did told me once that it was just nt me running away from my troubles.. but somehow, I do know that it is only when one gets a hard knock in the head that he realises what he has been doing and al the wrong things he had done..
Since the day Chipsmore told me that she and him were an item and she was so elated with her guy's pledge of love, I was at first distraught..again... haha! She did told me that she wasn't giving me hopes...but somehow, her actions speak louder than words.. I just felt "cheated" of my own feelings by her.. It's not that I hate her or whatsoever, she is still my dear fren.. but yah.. it will be different this time.. It's definitely true that fate plays a big part in any relationship.. and as human, we could only pray and hope.. but yah.. how many more times will i get hurt for loving someone so dearly, only to know that fate was playing a cruel joke on me..?! Haha.. tapi insyaallah.. after this "catastrophic experience", I have finally view life differently, and what matters to me now are my studies, career and family...nothing else matter... I just cannot believe in a relationship anymore... after all tht had happened... I don't want to be hurt anymore.. I want to be free from my own feelings...
Yup.. tht's what I really want right now.. to be a happy-g0-luky kind of a guy who smiles all the time.., at least tht was what my dear "sis" from my silat team, Renee, told me. She asked," Zal.. why are u always so moody and glum..? Can u please smile..? U know.. u are one guy that will keep on smiling no matter what happen..I just want to bring back the old cheerful Zal tht i know..!" Hehehe, when I heard what she told me.. yah... I realised why am i not being me..? Is the setback that happened recently too much for me to handle..? Even though it is a real setback, I believed that life still should goes on and there are soo many people around you who cares for u..
I soon realised that there is no point holding on to sumthg that was not meant for urs in the first place..even though memories did linger in the mind, after all those are just memories.. and one should move ahead and not turn back to look at the sadness that will dampen one's own progress in life, right?!
I do prayed sincerely that Chipsmore wil be happy with her found love who will care and lover her whole-heartedly... and insyaallah.. I will be praying for her everlasting happiness with him... In the name of allah, Chipsmore, there are no grudges that I have withhold right now...and you are still my dear fren.. and even though if i went away from you one day, the fact that ur my dear fren will never alter things around.. there is nothing that i should forgive you for, my fren.. I have also no regrets knowing u..coz i first know u as a fren, without any strings attached.. seriously, i am beginning to accept the truth dengan redha..insyaallah.. I believe that ur boyfriend and u are an item, like what u have said.. and that he will be a better guy and deserved your love better than me..
However, i do hope that you will still remember me as ur fren...even though you are attached.. insyaallah, no worry, i will prayed that both ur parents and family will be able to accept him and insyaallah too, may Allah swt opened up his heart to learn Islam, so as to smoothen ur relationship with him.. :)
My dear fren, Bluey, told me about the dream that she had recently.. and at the first place, it makes her distraught...how i empathised with her...i do feel for her worries.. However, Bluey.. please do not think too much abt tht okay, just take things as they are.. :) If it is meant for it to come true.. insyaallah.. I believed that Allah swt knows what's best for both u and tht guy.. I read ur blog.. saw the goats!! Hahaha.. reminds me of my trip to the Hay's Farm... the goat milk sucks!! hehehe.. u should have tried the original white one... then I will salute u! Hehehe.. hmm.. missed ur Sup Kambing?! Hehehe.. well, best ke? Beach Road has a gd one too.. :) hehehe..
How's my "daughter", Insyirah doing along? I kinda missed her... If i have a daughter, I wanna my daughter to be someone like her... hehehe, can?! ;)
U know something, I read ur blog and I do felt what u feel... to make matters worst, I read ur Bear's blog... and I do feel for him too... I know exactly how he feels... coincidentally, ur Bear and I were in the same boat at one point of time.. I really feel for him.. and I can feel his deepest love for you... And i feel sucky now after I read ur Bear's blog.. He is going thru a bad patch of setback right now... I know that...His heart is bleeding profusely... he needs to know the real truth... just like me, it is only after I knew the whole truth..I may be able to take things in my stride slowly... So, I do hope that you will be able to spend some time with him, and explaining the whole situation.. Please, no matter what, do not be concerned too much about the dream, k... just take things as they are.. and let Fate decides everythg..even though u have found out the answer.. I believe that hanya Allah swt holds the key to everythg and only Allah has the key to change things around and changed the Fate and our destiny..
I just wanna u to know that I do cherished you as my fren... and no matter what happen between us, I have nv regret knowing u.. I do hope that we will look forward in this frenship and not turn back at those painful days that we used to have, ok..! promise..?! :) hehehe
Miss Daisy, hehehe.. u must be enjoying urself at the chalet, right now... I do hope u will feel much better today than yesterday... I do prayed that all ur worries and problems will go away... I am glad and bersyukur that ur glad to have me as ur fren.. if u need any help, I'm contactable, k... in the meantime.. forget all ur troubles.. and enjoy urself.. u deserve all the break after ur hard word all this while.. :)
I am so sleepy now.. with the aches in the body and a bruised foot.. haha.. I shall take my leave for now.. Till then.... :)
As'kum..
CrAsHbUrN was in @ 12:30 AM
